Tag: actor

Chasing The George

Shaking The Tree!

On Friday, October 16th, I had the honor of participating in the “Shaking The Tree” series. Created by the amazingly talented actress and human being, Eileen Galindo, it is a monthly series in which invited artists gather around a table and share stories around a given theme in front of a live audience. This month’s theme was “Skeletons In The Closet” and we were given the freedom to interpret that as we saw fit.

This month’s gathering of artists included myself, actresses Patricia Richardson, Eileen Galindo, Rose Portillo and Rena Strober. Stories ranged from reconciling with family ghosts to near-death experiences to self-discovery to discovering truths about great great grandparents during the Civil War. And as diverse as we all are in terms of coming from different walks of life, it was amazing how we all bonded as each beautiful story was told. There was something healing and cathartic about hearing personal slices of people’s lives. We all connected to at least one thing in every story that was shared. By the end of the night, we felt closer. We had a human experience. We connected to each other as human beings. I no longer saw Patricia Richardson of “Home Improvement” fame or Rena Strober of Broadway fame (she sang by the way and my GOD, what a VOICE!) I didn’t see Eileen and Rose of various TV series and feature films and commercials. I saw human beings.

That’s the beauty of art. Art brings us all together to experience something greater than ourselves. People were moved, impinged and affected throughout the night. There were laughs, gasps, “amens”, more laughs, beautiful pregnant pauses and moments of silence, more “amens”, tears and more laughs.

And that’s the beauty and intention of the “Shaking The Tree” series: To bring people together and learn from each other. The artists and audience members were inspired and walked away with a new perspective and understanding of someone from another walk of life.

I shared an entry from my blog (the one about discovering my true voice) and I modified it somewhat to fit the theme of the evening. Something came over me when I read it in front of everyone. I felt such a moment to moment connection with everyone which was reciprocated during my story and afterwards on a break. I resonated on a high frequency level. Art. Boom.

Thank you again Eileen for the opportunity!

Funny Things I Said On Set

Chasing The George

Shooting a feature film in NYC has been wonderful. From on-location shoots at Radio City Music Hall to iconic fashion photographer Francesco Scavullo’s three-story townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, this experience has only reinforced my love for being an artist. I am truly grateful and I want more. I will have more.

And in a massive city filled with millions of people everywhere, it was amazing to see how much I stood out. At first, I thought it was because I wore an LA hat. Then, I quickly realized it was because of who I am. My spirit, my life force, my joy of what I do and who I am. Many people were intimidated, inspired and drawn to me. My influence wasn’t just limited to the world of LA. So witnessing my impact on others confirmed even more the power I have as an artist and how I can truly change the world.

And since this blog is about my weekly experiences as an artist, I thought it would be cool to share with you some of the funny things I said on set. Enjoy! And see you soon LA!

I said on set:

“Okay!”

“Okaaaayy!”

“Hold on, I’m still putting on my strap on.”
————-

Lead Actor: “I read a book that started with the line, "Joe inserted his big black dick inside her taunty pussy.”

Me: “Do you still own that book?”
————-

“I would eat that salmon all night long.”

“Okaaaayy!”

“Shake it, bitch!”

“I thought she was spelling ‘Dietrich’, as in ‘Marlene Dietrich’”
————-

As we’re getting shuttled to the next location, I sat next to a crew member in an Infiniti SUV:

Crew member: “Ouch, your ass bone just poked me.”

Me: “That’s not my bone.”
————-

“I’ve been told that I’m the size of a baby’s arm.”
————-

A crew member looks at the hashtags I used on an Instagram post:

Sound Operator: “Hashtag Gay Mexico?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m international.”
————-

“You think I’m going to pay $40 million for a townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan only to look out at all of this horrid, loud, nasty traffic?! Get the hell out of here!”

“Okaaaayy!”
————-

Me: “Sorry, I keep digging into your butt.”

Director of Photography: “I don’t mind.”
————-

“Okaaaayy!”

“He’s in the Bronx where he belongs.”

“Not today, Satan, not today.”

“Okaaaayy!”
————-

Towards the last day of filming, I walked around in a red towel because NYC got hit by a tropical rain storm and my pants had gotten wet.

Crew Member: It looks like you’re walking around in a bath house.

Me: We’re all family at this point.
————-

“Okaaaayy!”

Chasing The George

Filming In NYC.

One of my goals for 2015 was to shoot on location. Cut to September 26th and I am landing in JFK Airport to shoot a feature film. Saturday was spent with immediate family and the BROOKLYN accents were strong, alive and representing. Quick first-day timeline for your amusement:

4:45am Running out of the building like a mad man to catch the car to the airport. I became that asshole who runs late. I guess I got caught up listening to the original Broadway cast recording of “Little Shop of Horrors” while I was getting ready.

4:47am As we drive down Hollywood Blvd., I start getting a little sad. The first thing that pops into my head is, “I’m gonna miss all the stores that sell stripper/hooker attire.”

4:55am After getting over my sadness and getting excited for my work-cation, I can’t resist the urge to log onto Lavendr and start swiping left and right. I say to myself, “Hey, you never know. Maybe I’ll find Mr. Right before I fly down to NYC.”

5:07am We pick up another passenger. Last name, Dong. I thought she said “Dung”. Look, I’ve had 3 hours of sleep each night for the last seven days…

5:12am. We’re driving south on Highland Ave. and through the beautiful neighborhood of Hancock Park. I wonder if Hancock Park resident Shonda Rhimes is up?

5:26am I have nothing to write about.

5:30am We drive into LAX. When I see the large LAX letters to my left, I think of the “Lost” episode titled “LA X”.

5:48am A cute TSA agent pats me down. This is most likely the only action I’m getting while in NYC.

5:56am I’m starving. It’s time to eat. I’m ready for the overpriced everything. Burger King is definitely not an option unless you want me shitting all the way to NYC.

5:59am I realize I’m wearing an LA hat. I’m so literal.

6am Waiting in line to purchase a water and a simple turkey sandwich. This is the best LAX can offer at the moment.

6:01am $12.81 later for a water and a simple turkey sandwich. Give me a God-damn break. Two words: Write off.

6:05am How is it possible that in 2015 there aren’t any electrical outlets to plug my iPhone into?

6:15am A two-year old cries. Please don’t be on my flight. Please don’t be on my flight. I immediately quote Frank Underwood from “House of Cards”, “I’m not going to lie. I despise children. There, I’ve said it.”

6:26am I get emotional for three seconds because the last time I flew to NYC, I did so with my ex. This time, I’m flying by myself.

6:40am Time to drop the kids off. I’m very particular. I pack baby wipes. And I’m very thorough. Very thorough.

6:55am I place a call to my mom to check in with her.

7:06am Getting ready to board the plane. We are scheduled to depart at 7:30am and arrive in NYC at 3:55pm. Upon first glance, it seems like a long flight. But it’s due to the time difference. In other words, when our plane takes off, it’s 10:30am in NYC. And the two-year old is not on this flight. Thank God.

7:15am Selfie time. One take only as I hate selfies. This picture will kick off today’s blog entry. Not bad considering I’ve been sleeping three hours each night for the past seven days…and I’m hung over (Boom!) Thank you Sayaka Miyatani for the bottle of champagne!

7:30am Time to sleep!

This is where my iPhone shifted into Central Time:

11:15am I get up to stretch my legs and use the bathroom. I walk dizzily down the aisle towards the bathroom. I am definitely hung over (Boom!)

11:32am I can’t fall back to sleep because the guy across from me is absolutely gorgeous. I’m marveling over how immaculately groomed his facial hair is. Till this day, I still don’t know how to keep my facial hair on point.

1:35pm I wake up. I guess I WAS able to fall asleep again. I fall back asleep.

This is where my iPhone shifted into Eastern Time:

3:42pm I wake up and become emotional when I see Lower Manhattan and the new World Trade Center building. I’ve never seen the magnificence of this building before in person.

3:55pm I grab my carry-on luggage and exit the plane. My brother-in-law picks me up in his fabulous BMW (I joked to him that I felt like I was receiving the Hollywood treatment by being picked up in a BMW.)

And the rest of the day was catching up with family–refer to the first paragraph 🙂

I look forward to filming on location!

Chasing The George

How I Recently Won A Year-Long Scholarship.

“In one compelling photo, show us where you will display your Oscar.“

This was the August 2015 challenge for a year-long scholarship prize to Dallas Travers’ Thriving Artist Circle program. Dallas Travers is an expert in the field of marketing, branding and career administration. I have been on her email list for at least two years and I love receiving her tips and video blogs. When I received this challenge, I immediately became compelled to answer it. My instincts told me to act now. To do it now. Intention without hesitation. I put together my answer with enthusiasm and passion. I was giddy like a young school boy. It took me 20 minutes from inception of my idea to me hitting the submit button on my submission. 20 minutes. I was so proud of myself for not getting caught up in a perfection syndrome (e.g. It has to be perfect; my answer has to be just right; I can’t submit anything until all conditions are perfect; etc.) I wanted my submission to come from a place that was raw and visceral, from a place of spontaneity and impulse.

My blog is a weekly chronicling of my journey as an artist and any advice I can dispense from the lessons I learn. "Chasing The George” was influenced by “Chasing The Ambulance”–a term used to describe people who drive behind ambulances in emergency mode because these ambulances cut through traffic with intention and purpose. Week to week, I hope to cut through with intention and purpose in my career. And immediately responding to the August 2015 challenge was an example of “Chasing The George”.

On September 8th, I received a notification that my submission was selected as the winner. I am looking forward to supplementing and enhancing my artistic journey with additional career administration tools, tips, advice and encouragement.

Above is the picture I submitted and below is the essay that accompanied my picture submission. I dedicate this win (and my future Oscar win) to my Richard Lawson Studios family.

“I’m already getting emotional writing about this. This looks like an ordinary carpet in an ordinary room with a bunch of items on it. However, this room is located at the acting studio I train at, The Richard Lawson Studios. And the sneakers you see in the upper part of the photo belong to a couple of classmates sitting in their chairs. In this particular room, standing on this very carpet, I have grown and changed as a person and as an artist. This is where I come every week to rejuvenate and be reminded that my dreams don’t have expiration dates. That it is wonderful to dream big and go after my dreams. My teacher and my classmates have seen my wins, my lessons, my growth, my laughs, my tears, my disappointments, the times I wanted to give up and the times that I fought hard to continue on my journey. In this particular room, standing on this very carpet, I have learned to become a better person, a better actor, a better writer, a better filmmaker, career administration and to understand and implement technology. I have walked across this carpet at least 1,000 times in different pairs of shoes, different hair cuts, different clothing styles, healthy, sick, etc…and I can’t wait to walk across the red carpet into the Dolby Theatre. I would leave my Oscar in this room because the people in it have been instrumental to my life.”

Care-Fronting My Director

Chasing The George

Last Sunday, I posted a blog entry that revealed how a brave 15-year-old inspired me to reclaim my love for singing: http://wp.me/p8uI5M-3d. One of the actions I listed to reclaim my love for singing was to care-front the director of “A Chorus Line” with a clean, blame-free communication which addressed an event that made me give up singing for many years afterwards.

I composed a Facebook message that same Sunday night. FIVE MINUTES LATER,
she wrote back! What she wrote blew my mind and made me emotional.
Below is what she wrote:

“I am very moved and blown away by your message and it brought me to tears. I am going to listen to your songs tomorrow because it’s late right now and I was actually in
bed on my way to sleep when your message came in. I will write you back
more too.

But let me just say this tonight. You WERE right for Richie and you did a FABULOUS job with the role. Just because you couldn’t hit a couple of notes doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the right part for you. And you are right, as a director I look to put on the best show and sometimes that means tweaking some things a bit. Many shows I’ve directed have had modifications of some sort. It’s creating a work of art that is molded to its perfection.

You would make an awesome Emcee. I directed that show as well. Love that song you
mentioned and I am looking forward to hearing you sing it.

More to be shared tomorrow. ACL will always hold found memories – you made it special with the rest of the cast. I am very proud to have brought such an incredible piece of work to the stage!

So here’s a little more to add to my message that I wrote to you late last night. I do remember the incident that you referenced in your message after I reassigned some of Richie’s vocals to NAME (I, Jorge, removed his name)  On a personal level, I felt very bad making that decision, but as you said and I agreed, I did it for the show. I recall that we were moving close to production week and sitting in the back of the auditorium looking at the line and seeing an open space. I didn’t realize who was missing at first, and then our assistant manager told me it was you … that you were upset and went to the restroom. I realized it had bothered you very much and I felt bad. When I directed Cabaret, I had to pull an entire song from the fellow who played Cliff. It just wasn’t working for him. The song is often struck from the show, so it really didn’t impact the run of the show. But it made me feel really bad as well, but it was for the good of the show.

I see now that you will be directing some music videos. I don’t know your other directorial experiences, but I would imagine that you have had to make some tough decisions as well. And if you haven’t, you will more than likely come across times when you will. You know the saying … “it’s lonely at the top.” Well, it’s true.

I’ve listened to the links that you sent me and I’ve read your blog about Juliet and how she inspired you. Very well written piece. The vocals are wonderful and you are a very talented singer. I’m sorry that the experience in ACL impacted your choice not to further your singing career. Don’t know if you knew this, but you were not the only male with dark skin (who auditioned for “A Chorus Line”) I will still go by what I said before …you were a fabulous Richie!

So, without rambling any more, I’ll close by saying I wish you well in all your future endeavors in the entertainment world, whatever they may be. I like reading your FB posts. I have a VHS tape of our ACL show … and I’d be happy to make you a DVD
of it … if you would like. Just let me know. Again … wishing you well.“

The exchange we had really created a powerful sense of resolution and closure for me. I can move on cleanly and powerfully from this. The event I experienced many years ago no longer has a hold on me. I hope that my experience inspires you to care-front someone or something in your life right now. Because the biggest lesson I learned from all of this is to DO IT NOW. I had a failed purpose with singing for MANY years. That could have been easily avoided if only I had handled this immediately. Do it now. Handle it now. Don’t wait to take care of something.

How A 15-Year Old Inspired Me

Chasing The George

I witnessed something so beautiful, courageous and moving in my scene study class this past Thursday. So much so that it inspired today’s blog post.

A very talented and beautiful 15-year old actress named Juliet started scene study class about a month ago. I actually interviewed her and was blown away by her maturity and clarity with what she wanted as an artist. Her attitude was great and I knew she was a “yes” in my book to be a part of the Richard Lawson Studios.

This past Thursday, she did a Song & Dance exercise in class. The Song & Dance exercise is drawn from Milton Katselas’ book, “Acting Class: Take A Seat”. This is the book we use to understand the acting approach at this studio. The point of this exercise is to get the student present and relaxed so that they are emotionally available. This exercise combines singing and dancing as tools to break down and free the student from ticks, nervous movements, tension, habits…basically anything that will prevent the student from experiencing the emotions that are underneath. And experiencing emotions can only happen if the student is absolutely relaxed. This exercise is great for understanding how to be relaxed in a performance or for a close up on camera.

This exercise is not about being a great singer. And many people already have a button or a consideration about singing for a VARIETY of reasons. I have seen people flinch from this exercise just because they did not want to sing in front of an audience. Juliet got up on stage and as she began singing, she broke down into tears. The tears continued throughout most of the exercise, sometimes to the point of hyperventilation. However, under the masterful and nurturing supervision of our teacher that night, Doug Spearman, he was able to keep her present and to push through the tears.

My heart went out to her, but at the same time, I was quietly rooting for her. As was everyone else in the room. We were all on her side. We were her cheerleaders. The reason she inspired me and this blog entry is because of the courage she had. To be 15 years old, to be a teen, is not an easy thing: Peer pressure, hormonal changes, demanding school work, etc. But despite all of that, she had the courage to stand in front of a group of adults and work her way through her Song & Dance. She could have run away. She could have quit halfway through the exercise. She could have not shown up to class. But she showed up and she kept fighting through to the end.

And I said to myself, “If she has the courage to sing, then I should too.” Why? Because I love to sing. Music is a big part of my life. But I buried my love for singing a long time ago. Which is a shame because I grew up doing musicals. My senior year in high school, I was cast as Tulsa in “Gypsy”. “Gypsy” is my second favorite musical of all time. I worked my ass off in rehearsals. At home, I would rehearse my song, my lines and all the dance numbers for HOURS. I wanted to put out the best product possible.

The show ran for several performances and we had sold out audiences each night. On the final night, one of the drama teachers told me that I was so excellent and professional in the role, that I could be on Broadway right now. He said my performance was Broadway-level. That same night, after we took our final bows, the director of the production introduced me to an agent that was blown away by my work. He gave me his card and I set up a time to meet with him. The agent really liked me and represented me. I was now signed to one of the top agencies in NYC. One of the biggest auditions he sent me out for was “The Lion King” on Broadway.

I knew musical theater was my path. I applied to different musical theater conservatories during my senior year in high school and got into prestigious programs at the Tisch School of the Arts and Syracuse University. In the end, I decided to go to Vassar College. During my freshman year at Vassar, I auditioned for a major, off-campus production of “A Chorus Line”. This is my favorite musical of all time and I could not believe how fortuitous it was that they were holding auditions for it. And I loved that it was a production outside of Vassar because it felt more legitimate and important. In other words, real-world experience.

The first round of auditions included a singing and dancing component. I believe I also performed a monologue. I knew I wanted the role of Paul (the soft-spoken, gay, Puerto Rican dancer) I got a callback and read for Paul! I really thought that I had Paul in the bag. When they finally cast the show, I got in! But I was cast as Richie instead (the more street, sassier, dynamic black dancer) I soon figured out that the only reason I got cast as Richie was because I was the darkest person who auditioned for the production. So on one hand, I wasn’t too disappointed because Richie is a great character and I got CAST in “A Chorus Line”. But on the other hand, I was disappointed because he’s not my casting. Plus, his solo numbers are WAY TOO HIGH for me to sing. As soon as I got cast as Richie, I knew that his solos would be a struggle.

Rehearsals began and I was doing great on the acting and dancing fronts. We were doing the Broadway choreography for most of the show and I loved it. On the singing front, I was doing really well in the group numbers. We rehearsed for five months straight and I was also balancing a full, demanding course load at Vassar. When rehearsals finally began on my solos, I struggled. I tried hard not to freak out when I was not hitting the high notes. Richie has two solos in “And” and “Gimme The Ball”. “And” was just painful and “Gimme The Ball” was okay. My confidence started to decrease every time we would rehearse those solos. And man did I try. I really gave it my all.

About three months into rehearsals, the director pulled me to the side and told me that she was giving my “And” solo to another person. She knew I was struggling with it and was looking out for the production as a whole. I remember being crushed. It felt like I had been shot in the chest. If anyone knows me, I work my ass off. And so to have something taken away from me was devastating. I walked away from her and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and cried my eyes out. It took her 20 minutes to finally convince me to come out.

Another reason why it took me so long to finally come out of the bathroom was because I didn’t want to confront the entire cast. I knew that today’s rehearsal was starting right after the opening number, “I Hope I Get It”. That meant that the 19 potential dancers we follow throughout the show were already lined up on stage and facing out into the audience. All of them, plus the musical director, were waiting for me to get out of the bathroom. The bathroom was at the back of the theater. I was like, “Oh fuck. On top of this awful news, I now have to walk down the aisle towards the stage with everyone looking at me and knowing what just happened.” So, I braced myself, opened the bathroom door, and with my eyes blood-shot red from crying, I marched down the aisle with my head up high. With everyone looking at me from the stage, the walk down the aisle felt like an eternity. I finally walked up the stage and passed by the person who now had my solo. I gave him a death stare and he took two steps back (He later confessed to me that he was afraid to talk to me for a while because he thought I was going to kill him.)

I was only 17 years old. I was incredibly young and vulnerable. I was the youngest person in a cast of adults. I felt invalidated. I felt that my singing voice was no good. I felt like I failed. I got a taste of the real world and had no support system to help me up. Rehearsals continued and I worked even harder to make sure nothing else was taken away from me. The show opened in May and we were sold out every single night. My “Gimme The Ball” solo had improved, but it was still something I did not have complete confidence with. One night, after a performance, a representative from a major record label approached one of my cast mates and gave him his card. I remember being jealous and hurt because I knew that I had worked harder than him on every level. But because he was a better singer, the record label representative approached him instead. So, I was even more convinced that I was a terrible singer (Ignoring of course that the record label rep did NOT approach any of the other fantastic singers in the production as well.)

In the end, my dream show turned into a bittersweet experience. I had wins with it on the dancing, acting and singing levels, but not with my solo numbers. After “A Chorus Line” ended, I never did musical theater again.

Looking back at all these years, I’ve only sung a few times in public. And it sucks because music is a big part of my life. I love music. I believe I was a pop star in another life. I would love to have a career like Madonna, Jennifer Lopez or Justin Timberlake (modern-day artists who act, sing and dance) What a wonderful fusion of disciplines!

I recorded one of my favorite songs recently in one take (“The Girl and the Robot” by Röyksopp featuring Robyn) and was really pleased with what I heard. I was like, “Wow, that’s me????” I even uploaded the song onto Youtube, but I didn’t want to share it with anyone. I totally flinched. But for fuck’s sake! Why?! I have a good voice. I got into conservatories for musical theater, I had a great agent in NYC, I was auditioning for Broadway. But I experienced such a loss with “A Chorus Line” that it wiped out all of my previous statistics and influenced the rest of my life.

But when I heard “The Girl and the Robot”, I realized how much I love to sing. And that I can sing. What I experienced with “A Chorus Line” does not mean I can’t sing. It was just WRONG casting. Which is why CASTING is so fucking important. If you’re cast in the wrong role, you don’t have a chance to shine. You don’t hum like fine crystal because the role doesn’t fit you like a glove. Wrong casting means that you could potentially walk away from the experience with a tremendous sense of loss. An actor cannot play every role out there. A singer cannot sing every song out there. I shine best as a singer when it’s the right casting and in the right genre of music. I can’t compare myself to other singers. I have to embrace my unique voice and maximize that in the right arenas.

I had a similar experience with acting. I almost quit acting when I was new to LA. I got an agent and they turned out to be really good. They got me out on a lot of auditions…for gang bangers, cholos and prisoners. They saw that I was a Latino male with a buzz cut, and because I didn’t understand the concept of driving my own career bus at the time, I let them call the shots. They sent me out on so many big TV auditions and I would be in the waiting rooms with people who actually looked like they just got out of jail. I worked as hard as I could to be those guys, but it’s just not in my nature. It’s not my CASTING. I would leave each audition feeling okay about my performance, but never with a feeling of a SLAM DUNK. I started getting discouraged and thought that I couldn’t act.

Finally, I stopped the madness and took control of my career. I got real clear with my agency about my casting and what I could play. Once they heard me, I started going out for things that I could really play. And I started producing winning results. Today, I would not accept the role of Richie. I’m clearer on my casting.

Seeing Juliet in her Song & Dance inspired me to action. Seeing her cry at the age of 15 reminded me of ME crying at the age of 17. The only difference is that she is part of an incredible community of people who will support her and hold her up. I wish I had artistic supporters when my event occurred. Things could have turned out differently for me. If Juliet at 15, starting out brand new with acting, could have the courage to cry through her Song & Dance in front of a room of seasoned, trained, professional adults, then who the fuck am I to keep hiding my own singing?

So here is what I am doing to take action. And I hope that my actions will inspire you to reconnect with something you have let go of or something you have a failed purpose on.

1) I am including links to two songs I recorded in one take. The first song is “The Girl and the Robot” and the second song is the ending of “I Don’t Care Much” from “Cabaret”. I LOVE the role of the Emcee. It’s one of my dream roles. But because I had such a failed purpose on singing, I heard “I Don’t Care Much” and freaked out over how high the ending part was. I was so convinced I was a bad singer that I could never sing the song. Every time I tried to sing it, I failed. Until two weeks ago, I finally said fuck it. I’m going to nail this ending part. I gave it my all and the notes came out…beautifully. I shared “I Don’t Care Much” with my good friend Lindsay Hopper and she said, “Dude…You need to sing more…WTF? Why do you hide that?”

2) How do I move forward to destroy this failed purpose? Do I sing songs in scene study class? What are my current castings in musical theater? What other genres could my particular voice shine best in? Do I begin vocal training to rebuild my voice? Do I sit down and figure out how to incorporate singing into my overall picture and business plan as an artist? Where does singing now fit in, if any, within the bigger picture of my career?

3) I am going to send a Facebook message to the director of “A Chorus Line” to finally address what kind of impact that event had on me. Writing a letter or sending an email communication, without blame or anger, is an effective tool that I have learned at the studio to handle something. It worked beautifully for me before on another occasion and so I am excited to do it again. In the message, I will let her know how I’m doing and that I hope she’s doing well. I will let her know why I’m writing, how the event affected me and what I’m doing now to reclaim my love for singing. And I’ll end the communication by sharing the two links with her as well and wishing her the best.

I look forward to sharing with you all how action number three turns out.

And thank you Juliet for your bravery and inspiration.

Here are the songs I recorded in one take:

The Girl And The Robot: https://youtu.be/ItV-n4iMSAc

I Don’t Care Much: https://youtu.be/81uwLM7mRSM

Onward and forward.

The Hustle

Chasing The George

“I’m always so impressed when I see the breakdown of what you’ve done, the minutes, the hours. So just something to consider for your blog in the future is: Taking a screenshot of your week, broken down, so that you’re not just sharing these experiences, but this is evidence of the hustle. Cause it inspires us and I know it will inspire others.”

Thank you to the incredible Beth Pennington for inspiring today’s blog post. I have taken three screenshots of a typical week for me. In these pictures, you will see the work, the hustle. The work speaks for itself. I hope that these pictures will inspire artists to do the same amount of work (or more) because of the following, all-too-familiar story, that I’m about to share. The story that many of us have unfortunately experienced before. These pictures help me to combat the naysayers. These pictures are my weapons against the doubters and invalidators.

My fellow artists, have you ever been in a situation where someone has asked you, “What do you do for a living?” And you reply, “I’m an actor” or “I’m a writer”. And then the person usually replies with a fake response of like, “Oh, an actor.” Their subtext being, “Great. Another wannabe actor.” You hear their subtext and you start back
peddling your answer, “Yeah, I’m an…actor…you know, I act…sometimes…yeah…but I’m a really great bartender. I can make a killer martini!” You start feeling ashamed and embarrassed to be an actor or any other artistic profession you are pursuing.

Then, they continue their invalidating process with questions like, “Sooo, what have you done?” “What have you been in?” “Are you making money as an actor?” “What have you written?” “Have you sold one of your scripts?” “A screenwriter, huh? Are you with CAA?” And the artist starts to sink further and further into the black hole. They feel small and worthless and the invalidator loves that. I used to be that person that was ashamed of saying, “I’m an actor.” I used to believe that in order to be an actor, I had to be working all the time on a professional level. I fell for that awful perception that a person is only an actor if they’re on a TV series or acting in a studio feature film. And that’s just not true.

I have been fortunate and blessed to be with a teacher and school that has taught me about the bigger picture, how to administrate it and how to be the best actor and artist I can be (The Richard Lawson Studios) I am now confident in telling people that I am an actor AND a writer. I have no shame in telling people that this is what I do. Point. Blank. Period.

I have developed a clarity and a work ethic that allows me to treat my career as a business. We are a business. We need to clock in and out like any other profession and put in the work and the hours. We need to know what we want and go after it on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. We need to be about it. Then, and only then, can we have the confidence to say that we are an actor. Or a writer. Or a director. Or a whatever. Why? Because we now have the evidence, the proof, the statistics to back us up and give us confidence.

When someone tries to invalidate me or write me off as “another wannabe actor”, I quickly shut them down with charm, humor and irony. They’ll ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I reply, “I’m an actor and writer.” Then, they’ll ask with their sarcastic, doubting tones, “Oh yeah. What have you been in? What have you written?” I give them my business card and say, “If you go to my IMDB page, you’ll see what I’ve been in.”  In this way, I’m directing traffic to my IMDB page and simultaneously raising my IMDB Star Meter 🙂 Then, I say, “There you will see the independent feature films, TV series and web series I’ve been in.”  I also continue with:

**I’ve also shot a handful of national commercials from Toyota to The Hartford Financial Services to Verizon

**I’m currently shopping two TV pilots

**I’m currently shopping one feature film and just finished writing another feature film for James Franco

**I’m in scene study class every Thursday night and the Professional Development Program 2.0 class every Friday morning

**I’m targeting different TV shows, show runners, producers and casting directors with tangible results

**I run a blog and post a new blog entry every Sunday morning

**I utilize social media on a daily basis and have lots of fun with it

**I acted in a feature film in April; I have another feature film receiving distribution in which I play a principal character in that; I was offered a principal role in another feature film that is in active pre-production

**I put in an average of 35 hours a week into my career, and that’s on top of my plan B job

**Ultimately, my goal is to be the next Tyler Perry, Lena Dunham, Cristela Alonzo, Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Louis C.K….self-producing artists who create vehicles for themselves

People either shut the fuck up real quick because they see that I’m not just “another actor” or they get really interested and want to know more about me.

So, I’m sharing three pictures of what a typical week looks like in terms of my administration and the amount of time I put into them. Not to show off, but to hopefully inspire. And I’m not just putting in hours for the sake of putting in hours. Rather, every line item and every minute spent is to push a specific project forward. There are no arbitrary actions in my lists. In 2015, I have completed three projects on my plate and just started a new one:

Get a meeting with Creative Artists Agency and Anonymous Content.

(Thank you to the amazing Lindsay Hopper for pushing me to create this project and reach for the top!)

Earlier, I said that these pictures are my weapons because the work doesn’t lie. The stats don’t lie. I can show you everything I’ve done since the first week of January 2015. The invalidators can’t argue against that. They can’t put that down. Every strategic line item of work speaks for itself.

So, fuck the nay sayers. Fuck the doubters. Fuck the invalidators. Fuck the people who want to put you down because you’re doing what they’re too afraid to do themselves. Or because they’re jealous of you and want to bring you down to their level. Fuck them. Don’t let them make you feel bad about being an actor or a writer or a director…a FUCKING ARTIST.

But you will have a better chance of standing up to them when you’re putting in the work and can back yourself up with actions. At least that’s been my experience. When I’m walking the walk, creating the evidence, being about it, putting in the work on a
daily basis, going to class and staying sharp with my craft, and most importantly, HAVING FUN, then nobody can take that away from me.

Before we jump to the commercial break–I mean, the pictures below–I leave you with this amazing quote from Madonna. This was her response to all the critics who continue to write her off:

“It makes me realize how miserable most human beings are and how instead of celebrating that someone could come from nothing and do something with their life, they have to try to tear you down. Because ultimately, people don’t want to be reminded of how little they’ve accomplished in their own lives.”

Let’s continue being the amazing fucking artists that we are! I would love to hear your experiences!

Please scroll down past the tags below to see the three pictures. I’ve taken out the names of some people and some TV shows on purpose. And you can click on each picture to enlarge the text:

Chasing The George

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

On August 22nd, 2015, I celebrated 13 years of living in Los Angeles! 13 years!

It feels like yesterday that I was still living in Brooklyn with my mom. I was at a real crossroads in my life. After 9/11, I knew that life was too short. And I knew that if I wanted to pursue film and TV fully, that LA was where I needed to be. I was so determined to get to LA, that I purchased a one-way airline ticket and didn’t tell my mom that I was moving until three weeks before my scheduled flight. She was so shocked that I gave her such little notice, but I had to make sure that no one, and I mean no one, had time to change my mind.

And in taking all of yesterday to reflect on and to celebrate the last 13 years, one theme emerged. As Madonna said above at the end of her 1995 music video for “Human Nature”: “Absolutely no regrets.”

I have none. I could easily have spent all of August 22nd lamenting all the losses and disappointments, both real and perceived, that I’ve had in the last 13 years. After all, 13 years is a fucking long time and anyone could easily fall into the dark side of regrets and the dark side of the woulda, coulda, shoulda: I could have worked more as an actor, I should have worked more as an actor, I should be at a better place in my life right now, I should have done this sooner, I should have learned that lesson earlier, if I only I knew back then what I know now, etc. But what a waste of time and energy that is.

Again, absolutely no regrets. I’ve never been one to look back…not for too long at least. There’s nothing I can do to change the past. I can only focus on today and how to make it count.

I spent yesterday celebrating how much I have grown as a person and as an artist. Celebrating the fact that I am STILL in the game and that I haven’t given up. I recently saw some pictures of people I went to college with on Facebook and I was shocked by how much some of them have aged. Aged because they gave up on their dreams. They lost that fire, that spark, that thing that made them youthful. That spirit left and life settled in. They are doing other things with their lives now. No judgments. I cast no
judgments. I’m just making an observation. People that I used to have a crush on in college have aged badly or gained so much weight. They’ve let themselves go. Meanwhile I, who used to be so awkward looking in college, have continued to age beautifully both inside and out. I still feel like a big kid sometimes. I’m still connected to my dreams. I still act, I still write, I still dance. I’m surrounded by a fantastic community of mentors and artists who keep me alive, vibrant and focused. Always have since 2002. Always will until the day I die.

When I first landed in LA, I broke down in tears at LAX. Shit just got real. I arrived. There was no turning back now. I came with one suitcase and a leather CD book containing 200 CD’s. I only knew one person out here. I had no job lined up. I had no apartment lined up. I had no family out here. All I had was my faith and determination that things would all fall into place.

And taking a line of dialogue out of the Madonna mythology, I got into a taxi and said, “Take me to the center of everything.” In the Madonna mythology, she arrived in NYC in 1977 with $35 in her pocket. She told the taxi driver to drop her off in the center of everything. So, he dropped her off in Times Square. My taxi driver dropped me off in
Beverly Hills. Now, I know some of you may be laughing, but the universe was quickly working in my favor. The taxi driver dropped me off at an Enterprise Rent-A-Car on Robertson Blvd., one block south of Wilshire Blvd. Little did I know that located just a couple of blocks south of Enterprise Rent-A-Car was the place that would become my second home for the next seven years, the Beverly Hills Playhouse.

I got my rental car and drove away. I turned on the radio and the first song I heard in LA was Kylie Minogue’s “Love At First Sight”. I’ll never forget that. It was a beautiful, clear, sunny day. I was vibrating with excitement. The only person I knew out here was a buddy of mine who I used to work with at a dance club in Manhattan. He was out here with his twin brother on business (I would later discover that their “business” was the escort business and they were marketing themselves as 2-for-1 all-American blond twins!)

They were renting a room at the Ramada Plaza West Hollywood. He said I could stay with him and his brother until I got my own place to live. Twenty four hours later, he got me an interview with the front desk manager and I got hired. I started work a few days later. The universe was taking care of me.  Within a week, I found a place to live in West Hollywood. The universe was taking care of me again.

My second day in LA, I ran into someone I graduated with from Vassar. I told him I moved to LA to pursue acting and he immediately recommended the Beverly Hills Playhouse (which is where he was studying) I called the BHP to schedule an interview. They accepted me and I began classes in the first week of September. I sat in the front row, on the edge of my seat, eager to learn and to be inspired. I could feel a palpable energy in the room that I have never felt before in a class (acting class or otherwise) When Gary Imhoff first walked into the room, the class cheered and gave him a standing ovation. I wasn’t expecting that at all!

I don’t remember if I stood up and cheered as well or if I remained in my seat. But what I DO remember was that as soon as Gary settled into his seat, I leaned back into my seat and I said to myself, “This is my teacher. This is my home.” I just felt it in my heart and in my gut. After the first day of class ended, I walked north on Wilshire Blvd. and saw the Enterprise Rent-A-Car! I immediately became emotional because I knew that the universe was taking care of me. It was a cool moment of experiencing something coming around full circle.

Everything was falling into place. LA was new and exciting. The weather was great. Palm trees galore. I had a place to live. I had a Plan B job supporting my Plan A game. I found an amazing second home at the Beverly Hills Playhouse. Kelly Clarkson was crowned the first American Idol on September 4th, 2002 (and honestly, her win was the only one that truly mattered) Then, within a month, I hated LA. And I would end up hating LA for the first year because I experienced everything from home sickness to hating public transportation to hating that nothing was 24/7 like in NYC. It wasn’t until I got my first car around my first year anniversary, for FREE, that I fell in love with LA. Having a car really turned my feelings around.

13 years later and I still love LA. LA is my home. I’m part of that very small percentage of New Yorkers who love LA and prefer it to NYC. When I fly into LAX, I always feel good to be back home.

Absolutely no regrets. I don’t regret calling every single agent in the agent book in 2002 to receive representation. I don’t regret walking into casting offices to drop off my headshot and resume. I don’t regret any career administration I’ve executed. I don’t regret putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t regret any scenes I’ve put up in acting class in the last 13 years. I don’t regret the personal and professional choices I’ve made. I don’t regret the people I cut out of my life in order to pursue my career. I don’t regret the people I cut out of my life who were not part of my career bus. I don’t regret the friends I’ve made and the friends I’ve lost. I don’t regret all the times I’ve danced in stores, supermarkets, beaches, streets, subway platforms, trains, bus stations, parks, etc. I don’t regret all the times I ran lines to myself in public places. I don’t regret all the times I rehearsed a scene in public with my various scene partners. I don’t regret rehearsing the diner scene from “Biloxi Blues” at the Silver Spoon Diner in West Hollywood and causing such a mess with my amazing scene partner that management banned us forever. Ironically, the Silver Spoon Diner is no longer around, but I am 🙂

I’m still here! I’m still in the game! Yesterday was a celebration of all the good things I have experienced here in LA. A celebration of all the wins and all the growth I’ve experienced. I started my day by doing DanceFitWalk at the Rose Bowl at 8am. I danced my ass off for an hour and a half with my DFW team. Then, I went home and showered and went to the beach to not only celebrate my anniversary, but to join a friend who was celebrating her birthday at the beach as well.

Then, I went to a restaurant and had an early dinner. Then, I bought champagne and put it in the fridge. And then, I ended the night dancing away with a cool friend I’m getting to know.

Celebrating these 13 years was about joy and happiness!

See you soon 14th year anniversary!

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

Work Ethic Is A Bitch

Chasing The George

Now let’s just set the record straight: I work hard. Always have, always will. Why?

A) I’m Latino, it’s in our DNA. Although, like I mentioned in a previous blog entry, this is one Latino who is not mowing your lawns or cleaning out your pools. Okaayyy. And as a Latino, a minority, I have to work twice as hard as my Caucasian male counterparts. Interesting fact: Did you know that SAG-AFTRA classifies everyone, except for Caucasian males, as a minority?

B) My mother instilled the value of hard work at a very young age. She wanted her children to achieve more than she did. As a result, she was incredibly militant when it came to our homework. She set the tone right away in pre-kindergarten. She wanted to make sure that we were turning in professional, excellent, clean-looking work. And I say “clean-looking” because all of our homework was hand-written on paper with a pencil.

When I was in elementary school, I would always do my homework at the dining room table. I had my Mead composition notebook and #2 pencil. And God bless my mother, because in order to save money and cut down on costs, she would buy me the generic, non-name brand pencils with the cheap erasers. So, if I ever had to erase a mistake, I was fucked because the eraser would smudge the graphite across the word or words I was trying to erase. The cheap eraser never made a clean erase. My mother would come over, see the smudge and then violently snatch the paper off the dining room table. She would then crumple it up in my face and say, “Do it again! You’re not turning in this mess to your teacher!”

My mom never pushed us to perfection, but rather, to excellence. She crumpled up the paper because she knew I could do better. That I could present a better product to my teacher. Was this smudge-filled homework the best work I could turn in? If not, then go back to the drawing board until I created the best work possible. And that philosophy has stayed with me throughout my life. As Richard Lawson would say, “Do Your Best And Forget The Rest”. Did you do your best? If so, great. Now forget the rest.

C) I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Nothing was ever given to me (except hand-me-downs LOL) I worked hard for everything in my life.

So, I work hard. Anyone who knows me knows that.

But MAN, working hard is a bitch. Work ethic is a bitch. This year alone, I’m averaging about 35 hours a week into my career. I hate being the nerd who misses out on countless events because I wanted to stay in and get this scene in my screenplay just right. I hate being the geek who has to schedule his best friend or family member into a 30-minute slot because I have an audition that I’m still carving out. Or because I have a second round of communications I need to draft up and execute for my target list of management companies. Or because I have rehearsal. Or because I have hours of relationship map building to administrate and execute. Or because I’m working on a pitch for another TV series.

I just turned down an invitation to hang out with a hot ex-military guy this past Friday night because I wanted to front load my career administration for the week instead (Friday is the start of the week for me) When I front load my work, then the rest of the week flows beautifully. But again, he was a HOT EX-MILITARY guy. Damn you work ethic! Work ethic is a bitch!

The Friday night before (August 7th), I was up till 12am re-cutting my dramatic reel to make it a stronger representation of my acting abilities. I spent three hours not only re-cutting my reel, but also fixing all the sound levels from one clip to the next to make sure they were all even and consistent. I wanted to make sure that I was creating the best product possible to send out to managers.

I normally wake up at 6am and go to bed at 1am. I hate it. Work ethic is a bitch. I love sleeping. I love my bed. Guys love my bed. Well, they love me more, but they love my bed too. It’s so amazingly comfortable and inviting. You think I want to get up while everyone else is still sleeping? You think I still want to be up while everyone else is sleeping? Sometimes, I’ll drive to a rehearsal or a fitness training in the morning and I’ll see people stumbling out of the clubs.

Work ethic is a bitch.

For the love of God, why can’t I just:

**Dance all day long

**Be at the beach all day long (Well, not Los Angeles beaches…the water is so fucking cold)

**Eat Belgian chocolate pudding from Trader Joe’s all day long

**Drink champagne all day long

**Watch Madonna videos all day long and recreate them…again

**Be on Tindr, Lavendr and Grindr all day long (what is it with these online dating/hook up sites ending with the letter “R”?)

**Hook up all day long

**Have sex all day long

**Travel around the world

**Get a full body massage all day long

**Drive around in a luxury car with friends all day long

**Binge watch different TV shows on Netflix all day long

ETC. ETC. ETC.

But then I take a step back and realize that today is Madonna’s birthday. 57 years ago, on August 16th, 1958, Madonna Veronica Louise Ciccone wassent from heaven and was born in Bay City, Michigan.

Madonna NEVER has to work again in her entire life. She has nothing left to prove. She IS the Queen of Pop. She created the template from which all female (and some male) pop stars draw from. She obliterated the restrictions on what women could do and should be. She changed and crafted pop culture. She was the M in MTV. She has more top ten singles (38) on the Billboard Hot 100 than any other solo artist. She has more number one singles (46) on a singular Billboard chart than any other artist. Forbes named her the richest musician in 2013. She is currently worth more than 800 million dollars. She’s about to embark on another massive world tour to support her latest album, “Rebel Heart” (which is my favorite Madonna album of all time now). She evolves. She progresses. She looks forward, never back.

She can retire TODAY. But since the beginning, Madonna has had a powerful work ethic. She is one of the hardest, most professional, most consistent artists out there. She is a work-a-holic. A perfectionist. She oversees every single aspect of her career…down to the earrings a dancer wears to the nail polish that an extra is wearing on her film sets. When on tour, she does a full run through of every show before the actual show starts at 8pm. She’s the first one to clock in and the last one to clock out. 12 hour-plus days. She has more energy than people half her age. Answering a question on how she continues to amass her fortune and not be taken advantage of financially, she once famously replied, “Because I actually read the contracts.”

She directs feature films, runs a clothing and fragrance line, has written children’s books, raises four beautiful children, builds schools in Malawi, etc.

Her work ethic is INCREDIBLE because she is driven by her purpose, her raison d’être (reason for being or existence) She still has so much to say. She loves what she does. She knows her responsibility and power as an artist.

Hmmm, 57 years old and worth more than $800 million dollars? Still relevant and provoking people to wake up and be better versions of themselves? Maybe work ethic isn’t so bad. I mean, do I want to spend all day getting a massage, or do I want to add another hour to my rehearsal so that at the end of the day, I can walk away cleanly because I did the best work that I could do? I’ll take the latter.

Work ethic is not a bitch. Work ethic is my BITCH. I work hard because I love what I do and because I have something to say. I work hard so that everything I present is the best work possible. I work hard so that I can have pride in what I share with others. I work hard so that at the end of the day, I don’t have any regrets or skeletons haunting me saying, “You should have worked harder. You could have done better.” I work hard because the payoff is wonderful.

Work ethic has been my weapon in staying sharp, ready and current. Work ethic has never let me down. The greats are great and stay relevant because of work ethic. Things move forward and happen when work ethic is involved.

With all this talk about work ethic, I can’t leave out the importance of celebration. I have gotten much better at incorporating celebration more and more into my life. To celebrate the wins and achievements along the way. To do my best work and then celebrate. Celebrations remind me of my progress, my journey and my wins. Large wins, small wins, celebrate them all. I have purchased art work, gotten massages, purchased champagne, etc. to mark my wins.

For example, I mentioned earlier that I front-loaded my work this past Friday night. And guess what? That hot ex-military guy reached out again today to hang out. This time, I said “Yes.” I can afford a celebration tonight for the work I did on Friday.

“Holiday! Celebrate!”

Thank you Madonna and Happy Birthday.

I Can’t Act!

Chasing The George

On August 2nd, 2015, my scene partner and I began our first rehearsal for a scene we’re putting up in class. We met at a neutral midway point since we both live far away from each other. And “neutral” meaning no coffee shops and no restaurants. Somewhere where we could sit down with minimal to no distraction and start digging into our scene work.

We settled on a small park that was inhabited by a handful of people. It was a very quiet park and we both knew this was a perfect setting for our first rehearsal. We sat on the lawn and became really excited to start working together on this powerful scene. We pulled out our scripts and before we even read one line, we talked about the movie: Our observations; our relationship to each other as these characters; where in the movie this scene took place so that we understood the magnitude of the event and evaluation of what was going on; questions that I had; questions that she had; we talked about how to effectively rehearse and what today’s rehearsal would encompass.

Everything was going great! We were quickly getting on the same page. We were bouncing ideas off of each other. We were very “yes, and…” Meaning that we were building upon our ideas: “Yes, that’s great and how about…”, “Yes, and I can bring this…”, “Yes, and if I do this, then…”

Again, everything was going GREAT…

…Until we read the scene for the first time.

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I WAS SO AWFUL. As soon as I started saying my first line, I was like, “I should quit acting right now. Who the fuck am I kidding? I’m terrible! I can’t act.” That’s right. I said it. I’m a terrible actor and I can’t act. I should just move to Hawaii and open up a surfboard shop by the beach (LOL Does this sound familiar, DawnMarie?) As I continued saying each of my lines in the scene, I could hear discordant piano chords gradually getting louder in my head. Each off-key, jarring chord made my body twitch and jump. My head kept cringing more and more to the left. I could hear missiles getting closer to hitting their target (the target, by the way, was me!) I could hear nails scratching against the chalkboard.

Even WORSE, I could see all of fellow Vassar grad Meryl Streep’s 18 Oscar nominations flashing before my eyes. My eyes crossed. My vision got blurry. I may have even slapped myself to snap out of it and become present again. My scene partner–thinking I was making an inspired, bold choice in the moment–slapped herself as well. I looked up at her and saw Meryl Streep sitting across from me, pointing and laughing hard, while she was surrounded by her 3 Oscars, 8 Golden Globes, 2 SAG Awards, 2 Primetime Emmys and countless other awards. And just when I was about to lose my mind, we finished reading the scene.

Depleted, exhausted and shaking, I looked up at my scene partner and said, “That was really cool. Let’s read it again.”

LOL!

What I just described is an interesting phenomena that occurs 80% of the time when I first pick up a script for scene study class or sides for an audition. The first read through is so horrendous and I always question my abilities as an actor. Does anyone else experience this? If so, I’d love to know why it happens to you too. And look, I’ll be honest, Meryl Streep has never laughed at me, but I’ve heard and experienced those discordant piano chords. I think part of it has to do with starting from scratch. I’m picking up a script again for the first time and embarking on a brand new, unknown journey. I’m starting with a clean, blank slate that I now have to start filling in and piecing together bit by bit. It’s that first step into the unknown that is the worst.

Bottom line: Can I build another scene from scratch again and deliver a fully-realized performance? (Even though I have delivered fully-realized performances countless times before.) Will this finally be the scene where people discover that I can’t act? That I am a sham artist? That I am a fake?

However, by the second read through of the script or the audition sides, I feel better (That’s how I felt when my scene partner and I read through the scene again.) I got through and survived the first read. I got it out of my system and no longer felt this expectation to deliver an Oscar-winning performance. I am now open to actually receiving what’s on the page. And then I read the script or audition sides a third time. And then I read it again. And again. And again. Each time, I gain more understanding of what’s happening. I know which questions to ask. The picture comes into focus more and more.

I believe another reason for this phenomena is that I want to know and have all the answers right away. Instead, I have to remind myself that part of the journey with rehearsing a scene or preparing for an audition is the willingness to have patience and not know the answers right away. To trust that by doing the work, the answers will eventually come. The “ah ha” moments will hit me along the way.

And like I mentioned earlier, this phenomena doesn’t always happen. There is that remaining 20% where I immediately connect with a new scene and I know exactly what’s going on and how to play it. Interestingly enough, however, whenever I have to do a cold reading at an audition (where the casting director gives you the sides on the spot and you have a few minutes to look them over), I DON’T experience this phenomena. With cold reads, I put no pressure or expectation on myself because it’s a COLD read. I know that they know that the performance I’m delivering is based upon the few minutes I’ve spent with the sides. I have a few minutes tops to figure out what’s going on in the scene, what’s the relationship between my character and the other character(s) in the scene and to make one or two strong choices that supports the story.

My scene partner and I have had more rehearsals since our initial one and I am having fun with the process. I am gaining more clarity and certainty with the scene and with my character. I am honoring my genius and instincts. The unknown is no longer an issue and doesn’t scare me anymore. I am piecing together the wardrobe of my character and have taken my character public on two occasions so far. By taking the character public and interacting with people, I’m enhancing my belief as this character. If the public believes who I am, then my belief is enhanced as well.

We are exploring subtext. We are figuring out WHY we are saying each line. We are looking at the chapters in the scene (a new chapter occurs when there’s a dynamic shift in the scene). We are looking at our relationship. What makes this night different from other nights? What’s the moment before? What is this moment about over here? Why do I turn off the music? I bonded with my scene partner’s child this past Monday for a few hours because in this scene, I’m arguing with my sister about the way she’s raising her child (my nephew). I need a nephew. I need to have a real kid that I can connect with and fall in love with and fight for. My scene partner and I even took a picture with him so that I can frame it and make it part of our set (Specifics equals belief) We had another great rehearsal today where we connected to what the scene was about!

So our rehearsal process is progressing beautifully.

What allows me to build confidence in my work is a set of solid training tools which helps me to create and construct things from scratch. To take words on a page and bring them to life. Tools are vital. Without them, you’re fucked. You’re kind of hoping and praying that you’ll get lucky and deliver a great performance. And let’s say you DO deliver a great, solid performance. Great! But you have no idea how you did that. How you got there. So, when you’re asked to repeat it either by an acting teacher, a casting director or a film director on set, you’re fucked because you don’t know how to repeat that experience or moment. You were just winging it. I’m glad I have tools to work with to help me understand how I got there and how to repeat a performance. I have structure that helps me be free and play within it. I’ve done the work. Now I can go play.

So whatever your acting training is or wherever you currently study, use those tools to embark on the journey of the unknown and into the known.

And yes, I CAN act. See you soon, Meryl Streep.